she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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