Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
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you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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