i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
they need to just BURY HIM!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
