I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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