one might say we're banned from that church
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
