dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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