Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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