i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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