She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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