I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had