I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
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You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks