Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?