no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.