oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?