Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
