There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just cut my nipple shaving
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
