I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
