I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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