i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
