I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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