I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
