the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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