Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You are a genius and a whore.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
