you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
