LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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