Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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