either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
