he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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