I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
