He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
