I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
