I am in a vortex of obligation.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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