I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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