Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
