I can text with my tongue
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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