Farmville is her only friend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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