I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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