I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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