I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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