Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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