So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
