so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
