Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
