my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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