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At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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