Fine. I'll sleep in my office
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
