He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
