I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
