I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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