Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
