I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We are all done wearing pants today
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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