he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
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There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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