When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
True strength comes from lack of pants
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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