you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
