i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
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