hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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