Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
