I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
