I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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