just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
