You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
